The Not-So-New-ly Weds

Romantics say all you need is love. Pragmatists say what you need is hard work, compromise, and sacrifice. I say they're both right.

I don't believe that all love is the same- and that goes for all wedded love as well. My marriage is different from my best friend's marriage, which in turn is different from my cousins' or my parents' or teachers' or coworkers'. But I've found that in my marriage at least, all I need is love, because that love leads to hard work, compromise, and sacrifice.

Mr. B has always been selfless with me. I've moved him across the country (twice), away from friends, family, and educational opportunities, and spent enough money on my own education that he has to be working in a job he only sort of likes to support us. He belittles his contribution, but I am eternally grateful. Sometimes I do forget, though.

I think part of growing up in pop culture America is being inundated with ultimatums and rigid standards, especially between romantic partners. I had some myself. I'll never date anyone who smokes. I won't get married until I graduate law school. I won't let anyone change their life goals to accommodate me. Needless to say that all went right out the window the night I met Mr. B. (I'll tell out story another time.)

Sometimes, they creep back in on me though. I'll get mad over something, and I'll want to say "If you love me you'd _____. People who love others do _______ for them." Wouldn't it be easy to tell when someone loves you, if all they had to do was finish the dishes? Or quit smoking or poker? Or take dance classes with you? (Note: these are not all from personal experience!)

Oftentimes though, it's not even about whether they love you or not- it's about self-worth. Aren't I worth quitting smoking? Aren't I worth a massage a week? The voices in our heads tell us that if we are truly special, we can ask anything of our spouse and they'll hop to without delay. (I don't know if guys get this feeling too. I know I do, though!)

I have to consciously remember that love and marriage and relationship success is not about ultimatums. It's about connecting, working, improving over time. Someday Mr. B will quit smoking, I know that. I wish it would be soon, but that's not my choice- and of course I love him with cigarettes as much as without them. It's hard to remember that his personal decisions in this regard are not reflections on me.