The Not-So-New-ly Weds

A hopefully rare, extrospective and angry post: do not read herein for a dispassionate point of view.

Dear Mr. B-

When I got married, I hoped to be somebody's mother someday... but not YOUR mother, and not today. One thing about mothers is they always have something for you to do. Be idle for two minutes and you can bet Mom's got a list. I was a good kid and I always did what my motherf asked, but I certainly never went trolling for ways to support her! I didn't realize until I got married what a drag it is to be the constant taskmaster.

But like the best gifts are the ones you wanted but never asked for, the best support is the kind you need but don't want to nag out of someone. I don't expect you to read my mind (usually). I do expect you to listen to the things that concern me and spend ten minutes thinking about it to come up with some way to help.

I know this is big picture stuff. In specifics: If you know I'm trying very hard to lose weight and be healthier, and I've done all I can do with dieting but just need to exercise, YOU could be the one to suggest going for a walk. That would be great. I wouldn't feel like I'm dragging you on an outing you'd rather not go on so you could spend time with me, and I wouldn't be choosing between you and exercise. Or, if I'm complaining about cooking dinner four times a week, you could consider that its not just the cooking, but also the deciding and planning the menu that is stressful and not expect me to walk you through it.

Love,

always,

even when you royally piss me off,

LOVE

Mrs. B

Location : 242-264 W Washington St, Lexington, VA 24450,

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Mr. B has always been unselfish and supportive. This is one of the things I love most about him. He has put his life entirely on hold so that I can pursue my career- this, even though he's older than me and arguably needs a break from the "grind" much more than I do. So it might seem surprising when I say that his unselfishness needs to be tempered (and, happily, today it was)!

I read a book years ago- one that I can't remember the name or author of but that had at least one memorable passage. Since I can't remember the book I can't find the exact quote, but I'll paraphrase:

Being a good lover isn't just about skill. It's about being able to let the other person be a good lover, too- it's about letting someone love you back.

This is what I mean by "temper the unselfishness." There are moments when Mr. B feels burned out, exhausted and unhappy, and I feel horrible. Though I know he followed me cross-country willingly and we planned for him to work while I go to school together, I know that if it weren't for me he'd be in school (or graduated) by now. I also know that because of the obligations of law school (both financial and temporal), I can't do much to alleviate Mr. B's feelings of entrapment and wariness. It's frustrating, heartbreaking, to be unable to help the person you love. And if they cling too fiercely to the unselfishness, they can't accept even the help you are able to give.

A big part of the above tension changed today: we officially enrolled Mr. B in classes for this fall semester! I knew he'd be excited. I knew I'd be happy and proud of him. I knew it would be beneficial for our relationship for him to have an intellectual outlet and worthy pursuit of his own. I just didn't anticipate the giddiness I would feel when we walked out of the Registration office, holding his new class schedule in our hands! It is a wonderful feeling!

This "new spark" is a recognition of Mr. B's intellectual value to me. It is also an acknowledgment of deservedness- he has been waiting a long time for this, and I am so happy to see him go after it! By no means do I think I should get credit- honestly I am still a limiting factor more than anything. But I feel like Mr. B is taking this step and allowing me to walk with him as he does so; he's allowing me to support him, to love him, and that makes our relationship stronger than one person bearing the brunt of the hardships alone.

Read More...

Mr. B has always been unselfish and supportive. This is one of the things I love most about him. He has put his life entirely on hold so that I can pursue my career- this, even though he's older than me and arguably needs a break from the "grind" much more than I do. So it might seem surprising when I say that his unselfishness needs to be tempered (and, happily, today it was)!

I read a book years ago- one that I can't remember the name or author of but that had at least one memorable passage. Since I can't remember the book I can't find the exact quote, but I'll paraphrase:

Being a good lover isn't just about skill. It's about being able to let the other person be a good lover, too- it's about letting someone love you back.

This is what I mean by "temper the unselfishness." There are moments when Mr. B feels burned out, exhausted and unhappy, and I feel horrible. Though I know he followed me cross-country willingly and we planned for him to work while I go to school together, I know that if it weren't for me he'd be in school (or graduated) by now. I also know that because of the obligations of law school (both financial and temporal), I can't do much to alleviate Mr. B's feelings of entrapment and wariness. It's frustrating, heartbreaking, to be unable to help the person you love. And if they cling too fiercely to the unselfishness, they can't accept even the help you are able to give.

A big part of the above tension changed today: we officially enrolled Mr. B in classes for this fall semester! I knew he'd be excited. I knew I'd be happy and proud of him. I knew it would be beneficial for our relationship for him to have an intellectual outlet and worthy pursuit of his own. I just didn't anticipate the giddiness I would feel when we walked out of the Registration office, holding his new class schedule in our hands! It is a wonderful feeling!

This "new spark" is a recognition of Mr. B's intellectual value to me. It is also an acknowledgment of deservedness- he has been waiting a long time for this, and I am so happy to see him go after it! By no means do I think I should get credit- honestly I am still a limiting factor more than anything. But I feel like Mr. B is taking this step and allowing me to walk with him as he does so; he's allowing me to support him, to love him, and that makes our relationship stronger than one person bearing the brunt of the hardships alone.

Read More...